The importance of keeping verbal agreements during mediation
It is incredibility important that verbal agreements made before and during mediation are being kept throughout mediation unless agreed upon otherwise. Keeping to your word enables you to start rebuilding trust that may have been lost and strengthen communication that will set the tone for the future relationship between you and your former partner (particularly if you have children together). Additionally, following verbal agreements provides an opportunity to try out sections of the agreement to see if it does work out for your family—particularly in parenting plans. Giving a chance to a decision that you two came up with will help you and your partner determine what works and does not work for your family dynamic.
Sometimes, during the mediation process, I will receive an email from one partner that the other partner is not keeping to the verbal agreements set forth in the mediation sessions. These emails often indicate that (1) one party is not willing to cooperate in the mediation process; or (2) the person does not feel comfortable with what they agreed to in the mediation sessions and taken to unilaterally change the agreement themselves, or (3) is confused about what they agreed to in the mediation and the topic needs to be rediscussed. Its important that each party feels they can advocate for themselves in the mediation--so that the agreement reflects both parties and what works for the entire family.
If it is for the first reason (which I find least often), then unfortunately, mediation is often not a valuable tool for the couple because the sessions will continue to be either one-sided or the terms of the agreement ignored. This indicates that litigation may be the only option.
For the second and third reasons, I will encourage both partners to bring their concerns up in the next session, to determine why the agreement is not being followed, and give both partners a chance to express their concern/reason in a safe and controlled environment. This will often be the focus on the next session. By enabling both parties to speak truthfully to each other about why they may not be following the agreement, and/or the concern over not following the agreement—the partners are able to communicate effectively so that decisions are made together and not unilaterally, and possibly get to the real root cause of the issue.
Depending on the couple, mediation can take weeks to months. It is very important that during this time partners are speaking up in mediation sessions, voicing their concerns, asking questions, and following through with the agreement in between the sessions. Mediation is a chance to express concerns, discuss difficult topics in a safe and neutral space, and rebuild trust and communication skills for the betterment of you and your family.
